Self deprecation

 

I should warn you now, this will not be my conventional style of post and definitely a different tone, but it will ultimately give you an insight in to me. Isn’t it funny how one simple act triggers memories from your childhood? To give you some background, my husband is a lover of Cambridge Footlights actors/actresses and Stephen Fry (along with Hugh Laurie) was a member of this theatre group. Amongst my husband’s collection of books, he also possesses Stephen Fry’s autobiography on CD. I don’t know why, but the CD player in the kitchen seemed the appropriate place for me to listen to it this morning. Despite listening to Stephen Fry’s upbeat voice, I felt somewhat mixed after listening to one of the CDs.  He conveyed his childhood so well, but every joke was tinged with sadness, for every joke was self deprecating. When you can joke about yourself in this way, is this an acceptance of self or a self defence mechanism? It was a behaviour I indulged in many a time through my own childhood and in to adulthood. I would laugh about myself before anyone else could. It was also an attempt at making friends, putting myself down in front of another, which looking back was a subservient behaviour. In hindsight it was foolish, no one should deprecate themselves to develop friendships, no matter how submissive the individual is. They say submissive’s are strong, outgoing, assertive individuals and that may be the case with many, but not with me. I am not sure when I stopped doing this, though I think it was in the early years of my working life. At this point in my life I had friendships, I attempted to be sociable, but ultimately I would have described myself as shy. I look back and wonder why my behaviour changed and in truth I can only attribute it two things, my now husband and master and the scene that I had become embroiled in. I developed friendships with people that accepted who I was and who had no expectations of how I should look and how I should behave. That acceptance reassured me, I didn’t have to be anyone different. I look back now with fond memories, but I still distinctly remember the fear I felt before meeting people in the scene. I am sure I was convinced that they would all be two headed, or at the very least distinctive in their appearance, surely people in this lifestyle couldn’t look normal? J Ultimately though I attribute some of the major changes in my life to him, he made me feel special, important, he made me feel wanted and he helped me accept who I was and what I wanted.  I struggled for some years to come to terms with my submissive and masochistic nature and even the simplest desires, such as being spanked, seemed quite contrary to the expectations I had of me and how a modern day woman should behave. Ultimately that was one of my easier desires to accept, what made it hard was the depth of submission I desired to explore.  I look back now and wonder why I worried so much, why I feared so much, but that comes with dare I say inevitable aging, experience and acceptance of ones needs and wants.

Unconventional Desires – What Women like me Want

 

Some desires are thoughts that are fleeting, often idle musings of no consequence, gone completely almost in the moment of their conception. Others though are true desires and some are distressing, obsessively hidden from others but impossible to hide from one’s self. Particularly when those desires are sexually motivated and unconventional in their nature. They have a way of being obsessively pursued, driven by the compulsion to have them satiated. Unconventional Desires is the diary of Victoria, whom has two sides to her character. Her public persona is that of an ordinary girl, a biology graduate with an ordinary job. The other side to her persona is a character which is deeply buried in a desire that she considers dark and obfuscates it from her friends, family and most of all from herself. She fears this darkness that lives deep inside her mind, she does not understand it and cannot accept its nature. So she represses it out of fear, fear of losing herself to it and the fear of being rejected by those she knows and loves if they ever saw it. The darkness though is given light by a simple fictional story she reads. This leads to a place where others live in this same darkness. A darkness that most would consider unconventional if not abominable. Her journey begins the moment she walks through the virtual door of an internet chat room, a room which she knows very surely having passed into, she can never leave and close the door behind her never to return. This room allows her to open her mind to her desires. Brightening the light of her darkness and giving motivation to her unconventional desire, the desire to submit to a man, to be controlled by him and to feel pain at his hands for his pleasure and in that giving receive her own pleasure. She ultimately finds such a man to meet her desires and fill the void in her darkness. He wines and dines her, brings her flowers and chocolates, and is ever the gentleman, he opens doors for her. Doors that lead her in to places where she is willing suffer for him. Satisfying his need to control her and in return gaining the control she needs to fulfil her desire. The physical objects of her desire are the collars, gags, restraints, and whips he uses to meet her physical and psychological needs, allowing her to accept him as her master and lover.